During the safety instructions announcement the flight attendant said: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover......but there are only 4 ways to exit this aircraft."


"Ladies and gentlemen, those of you on the right side of the airplane can see the Golden Gate Bridge, those of you on the left side of the plane can see the people on the right side of the plane looking at the Golden Gate Bridge."


In the unlikely event that this flight turns into a cruise, your seat cushions can be used as a floatation device.


While boarding: "Ladies and Gentlemen, the flight is overbooked and we are looking for volunteers. We can offer you 1000 dollars and a seat on the next flight. If you are interested, please raise your hand."


"We will be beginning our in-flight dinner service. There are two entrees on the menu tonight: chicken in a red sauce, or beef in a brown gravy. Because we don't stock 100 percent of each entree, please have a second choice in mind."


The Stewardess announced: "We are ready for take-off. Please fasten your seatbelt, put your chair in the upright position and close your window. Donít leave your window open during take-off or you will have a very bad hair day!"


On a flight to Miami the plane stopped over in Fort Lauderdale. The pilot said it was to get gas and directions.


"Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don't even try."


On a flight from Amsterdam to London the plane was a third full. Before the safety announcement the FA said: "If everybody could please move to a window seat, that way our competitors will see we have a full flight."


After the landing the captain came on the intercom: "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome in Amsterdam. We have arrived 10 minutes earlier then our scheduled arriving time. So next time when we arrive 10 minutes late, let's call it even."


"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until the captain has come to a complete stop. I want to warn you: pilots fly much better than they drive."


"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the mask over your own face before assisting children or adults acting like children."


Ladies and gentlemen, welcome on board. Please remember that airplanes are still the safest way to travel. So just enjoy the flight and rely on us in the same way we rely on the autopilot.


Stewardess during safety announcement: "Some of you asked me if it would be possible that I sing the safety announcements. I can tell you that the last time I tried, all the oxygen masks fell from the ceiling.


"... In the unlikely event of a water-landing, you will find a sexy yellow life-jacket under your seat, now being modeled by the flight attendants. The life-jacket is also equipped with a light -- so you can read while waiting to be rescued."


Ladies and gentlemen, we are expecting some heavy turbulence so please return to your seat and fasten your seatbelt.And remember: "the strength of the turbulence is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.


Stewardess during her announcement: "Please be advised that air sickness bags are no longer available on board this aircraft. The use has declined sharply after we stopped serving meals."


After taxiing for more than twenty minutes, the flight attendant announces: "You may be wondering why your tickets were so cheap? It's because we're driving you to your destination!"


"In the event of an emergency landing, your seat cushion doubles as a flotation device. But I admit: If we're crashing, my seat cushion's gonna double as a toilet."


"Airplane food is in fact so awful, that a scientific study proved 92 percent of all standup comedians in the late 1980ís made their entire lifeís savings off airline food jokes alone!"